jokes

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the
difference between potentially and realistically?"
The
father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she
would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars." "Then ask your
sister if
she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. "Then, ask your
brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and
tell me what you learn from that."
So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
The
mother replied, "Of course I would! We could really use that money to
fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!"
The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
The girl replied, "Oh My God! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?!?!?! "
The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
"Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?"
The
boy pondered the answers for a few days, then went back to his dad. His
father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially
and realistically?"
The boy replied, "Yes... Potentially, you and
I are sitting on Three Million Dollars.............. but
Realistically,......... we're living with two Sluts and a Queer

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money.
Between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.
Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!'

Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.

Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'

Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't ! worry, I have a plan, Cheers!'

They
downed their drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through
my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killin' me!'

Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub

A very loud, very unattractive, very mean-acting woman walked into
Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way
through the entrance.

The Wal-Mart greeter said pleasantly, 'Good morning, and welcome to
Wal-Mart! Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no, they
ain't.
The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you
think
they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?'

I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am,' replied the greeter. /*

*/'I just couldn't believe you got laid twice. /*
*//*
*/ Have a good day now and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart!'/*

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes. We
decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a
teenager
sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different
colors: green, red, orange and blue. My dad kept staring at
him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time.

When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?'

Knowing my dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on
his response; knowing he would have a good one. And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response,

'Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.'

thanks for a good laugh

The FBI is hiring. The open position is for an Assassin. After all of the resumes were reviewed, background checks completed, weapons testing done, the field was narrowed to two people. Two men and one woman. The three are brought back to the FBI headquarters for the final test and are asked to bring their family with them.

The first man is brought into a private room with his wife and they are both sat down across the table from each other. The FBI recruiter hands the man a gun and says, "Kill your wife." The man immediately shouts, "No, I can't kill my wife!" The FBI recruiter says that it is ok but he needs to go back home with his wife, he failed.

The second man goes in with his wife and the same thing happens. He leaves without making the cut but sparing the life of the woman he loves.

Now it is the woman's turn. She is thinking this is going to be a piece of cake as the other two men have left in tears...she thinks she has it in the bag! She sits down in the room across from her husband and the FBI agent gives her the gun and the instructions to kill her husband. The FBI agent leaves the room and as soon as the door is shut two shots are fired. Seconds later a scuffle breaks out and you hear shouting and banging. About a minute later the woman opens the door and wipes sweat and blood off of her brow. She says to the FBI agent, "Thanks for putting blanks in the gun, I had to beat him to death with the chair."

She got the job.