Monday Humor

You all know we need a laugh on Monday to help us through the day...
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A young boy went up to his father and asked him, 'Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'

The father thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.

Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.'

So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!'

The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

The girl replied, 'Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?'

The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

'Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know what a million bucks would buy?'

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.

His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'

The boy replied, 'Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three million dollars ………

But 'realistically', we're living with two hookers and a queer.’

HA! I love it.

Funny!!!

Here's a little Johnny one...


One day at the end of class, little Johnny's teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story to be concluded with the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story.

Little Suzy raises her hand. "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road."
When the teacher asked for the moral of the story, Suzy replied, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."

Little Lucy went next. "My dad owns a farm too. Every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only eight of the 12 eggs hatched.";
Again, the teacher asked for the moral of the story.
Lucy replied, "Don't count your chickens before they hatch."

Next up was little Johnny. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed but could only take a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete.
On the way down, he drank the case of beer. Then he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers.
He shot 70 with his machine gun, but then he ran out of bullets! So he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. Then the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands."
The teacher looked a little shocked. After clearing her throat, she asked what possible moral there could be to this story.
"Well," Johnny replied, "Don't fuck with Uncle Ted when he's been drinking."

Uncle Ted is a serious badass.

i wouldn't fuck with Ted......

so here is another one for yall

A father walks into his house one day after work and finds his little girl crying.

He asks "What is wrong sweety? Why are you crying?" and the little girl sais "Daddy my cat died." The little girl is crying so hard that the father knows its true and sure enough when he walks into the living room the cat is on its back with its legs up in the air dead as dead can be.

The father takes care of the cat and settles down the little girl until finally she seems ok. Then she asks "Daddy why did the cat have its legs up in the air like it did?" The father not really knowing the answer to this question himself answers by saying "It's so Jesus can come and the take the cat up to heaven easier with him." The little girl accepts this the rightfull answer and the father didn't think anything else about it.

Several days past and then one day he came home and found his little girl crying again. "Whats wrong baby?" The little girl says "Daddy, Mommy almost died today!" The father was startled by this and abruptly asks her to explain. "Tell daddy how mommy almost died today?". The little girl says "Well mommy was laying on the bedroom floor with her legs spread right up in the air screaming 'OH GOD, OH LORD JESUS HERE I COME!!!.' Then the little girl shook her head and said. "I think mommy would have died if it wouldn't have been for the mail man.

here's another one....

A woman was cleaning her husband’s dresser drawers when she found 3 golf balls and a box with $2000 in it. She waited for him to come home from the golf course to ask him why these things were hidden in his dresser drawer.
The husband said I'm sorry I hid this from you but the truth is every time I cheated on you over the last 30 years I put a golf ball in the drawer.
The wife was very upset at first but after thinking about it said "I guess 3 times in 30 years is really not that bad! Oh by the way what is the $2000 in the drawer?
The husband replied" Well every time I got to a dozen balls I sold them.

Old one.

A man walks into a bar and sits down and the bartender looks at the man with astonishment and sais "Boy this is a gay bar, and I can tell that you are no faggot, so why dont you just get out of here." The man was caught of gaurd with this one and says well other than being gay what other things do I have to do to have a drink. The bartender thought for a second and said "Okay; well all of us in here have a name for our penis. See that guy over there in the corner?" points out the man "His name is snickers. Hungary why wait!!!" The man at the bar now gets the joke, and not wanting to be refused service thinks for a moment and sais "ok then I've named my penis." The bartender has a confused look on his face "well what is it????" the man sais "Secret, strong enough for a man, but made for a woman."

The Big T Man shared this with me;

A Pirate walked into the bar... The Bartender said "I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."
"What do you mean?" asked the pirate, "I feel fine."
"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I am fine now."
"Well OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"
"That was another battle, my hand got taken with a sword, But I am OK with the hook. I'm fine really."
"What about the eye patch?"
"Oh, one day we were out to sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up at the wrong time and got bird shit in my eye."
"Your kidding," said the bartender "You couldn't lose an eye just from some bird shit."
"It was the first day I had the hook..."

Not monday any more but....

A young man is captured by pirates and is persuaded to join the crew rather than walk the plank. After a few weeks at sea the captain speaks to the man and asks him how he is getting on. The man replies that on the whole he is enjoying things - the rum-soaked drinking binges, the plundering, etc - but there was one thing missing.

"What's that?" asks the captain.
"Well, there are no women" replies the man.

"Arrr" says the captain "Follow me!" The man follows the captain to what appears to be a barrel, on top of the barrel stands a coconut with a face drawn on and a few strands of wispy straw for hair. On the barrel is a crude outline of a woman's body and between the legs is a bung hole. "We calls her Carmen," says the captain, "and you may take her as you will". The man explains that he was unlikely to make use of her and goes on his way.

However, as the months go by with no respite, Carmen appears more and more attractive to the young man. Finally he can resist her no longer and the man has his wicked way with Carmen the rum barrel. To his amazement the experience is far more satisfying than he could ever have imagined!

The next day the captain greets him again. "How did you get on with Carmen then, lad?" he asks eagerly. The man replies "Rather better than I thought... actually, it was rather good!"

"Good," says the captain, a great beaming smile splitting his black-bearded face. "It's your turn in the barrel tomorrow!"